Contemplation

I've just gone to a farewell party of a friend of mine. How do I put it, the house, the neighbourhood was all lovely. Met lots of people there, every one of them old friends. But, there's a feeling of mellowness, the moment of meeting that certain someone, I can just feel the situation. Everything since then, is different. Everything since then, will have changed. My friends are still very fun to hang out with, and although I seem different, look different, I guess it's the picture that I've painted of myself, and that I cannot repaint that picture for fear of shock, and misrecognition. Perhaps I have silenced the voice that has cried inside of me, perhaps it's just me thinking too much. But I'll have to accept the fact, that I have been crying all this while, with my outer ego covering me. I have changed hearts since then, and not given up hope of finding happiness. In fact, there is happiness out there, it's just a matter of time, and person.

Asking myself, why am I still letting my heart cry? I'm afraid that can't be answered. Probably I'm too afraid to open up again for fear of getting hurt one more time. Probably I haven't got enough confidence. But why, am I still letting myself bring up previous griefs? I've been keeping faith in my own strength for the past 5 months, but why are all the thoughts running through my mind like wind rustling through leaves? One troubling question is.. what has she thought of me all this while?

Now that I've written this out, I guess I feel better. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I shall share it with my blog. How nice would it be, to have warmth, and a place where all this insecurity and fear can be cast aside. Maybe, mine will come in due time. Yeah, it'll come in due time..

At the end of the night, I can't help but think, people have grown up so much already. Friends are leaving to different parts of the world. Choices are being made, sacrifices are done, the time for separation is nearing, while the time for faith and independence has come. Boys have grown into men, driving their cars, and standing tall and proud. Girls have grown into fine ladies, wearing perfumes, and makeups.

I guess I'm pretty screwed at this point. Turns out to be a fine mess I've gotten myself into. Left the party at 12.05am, dropped off 3 friends and reached home at 12.45am. Dad's quite ok with it, but mum's angry. But I understand.. she's just worried about crime, especially with all the cases happening at night, after midnight.

Ah well, time to just feel guilty for what I have done for making my parents worried, to patch up things back here at home, and to move on with life. I might be probably thinking too much.