Disappointment

This is a letter I've wrote, just feel like publishing it so that I get it out to people.
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To: My only one true love

You know.. right now, I can't do anything at all. My mind is all set about calling you, listening to your voice, waiting for you online, etc. This is all an act of desperation. Everything that has happened is so incomprehensible.

I haven't slept much yesterday. Today I woke up my eyes were so sore. Then when I went to college, everyone was like, "you need some coffee dude". Hopefully no one knows about anything yet. I've only told one of my friends, and you know what he thought, he thought, that something must have happened in the time of a month that caused you to lose every single feeling you have. If you so want to be single, then why are you still having feelings for someone else?

I really don't care anymore, what I want now is only you. Halfway when writing through this letter, the internet just went down. Tough luck. Why did everything happen so quickly... right before my most important exam to date? The same thing nearly happened during SPM..

Why why why? Why all the countless e-mails saying I miss you and I love you at the end? If what you say is true, why have you lied so much to me.. why? Why did you cause me so much pain? The choice offered now is still painful. It makes no difference only that I have a chance.

I refuse to believe that you are the one who made this decision. Someone else must have influenced you to make this decision. For all the years we've been together and for all the years I've loved you, I don't believe that you are saying this. Because I know that you can't bear to hurt me so much, and yet you did, without much feeling of remorse.

Why are you causing pain beyond belief to me?
Why did you stop loving me?

These questions won't go out of my head. I'm getting crazy, everyday.. the only thing I want to do is talk to you, and that's it. I'll never be able to rest until I know that you are mine once again..

I've drawn up a master plan in my head over the night yesterday, and I've thought of all the things that I'm going to do. This looks like a korean drama, it's as if the girl has just gotten amnesia and the boy wants to get the girl to love her again. Sadly, dramas in real life, are very hurting to the individual. Never mind, although I am partly frustrated that you'd do this to me, I cannot release that frustration for the rest of my life, because the pain felt during this time, will stay. No matter whether I build up everything from scratch again, or whether I fail.

The first thing I have to get out of the way is the presence of a third party in the situation. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on both of you. Never will he get any chance to talk to you again without talking to me. I realise that I have to be both protective and respectful at the same time. Doesn't matter, it's just a matter of improvements. Don't worry about me, I'll try to be as strong as I can, because I do not believe in a future without you, and the only path left is the path which few people take, which only people so true to their cause, are willing to sacrifice everything to walk down that path to make everything better. I'm going to do that, I'm going to take everything I have, and everything I can give, and use it all.

Eventhough I have so many questions to be answered that I don't think I'll ever get an answer to, I'll have to find out the answers myself. Because time will tell everything, even if words don't come out. Though it still feels very very wrong, I'll have to accept that.

The journey begins.. now.

:)
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I'm trying to look for some new mobile packages so that I only have to pay a certain amount of money and I get up to 1000 free minutes a month. Which is pretty cool! the SE k750i is kinda hard to find though along with the o2 line. But just imagine, 1000 free minutes!

Anyway, are you having exams soon? Well, good luck with that ;)

I'm still looking forward to coming back. Haha, hopefully I'll breeze through my entire driving thingies and then straightaway get a car and drive around. I figure, I'll have to sacrifice time with the guys and everything, and just focus on what I only want to do. It's a new beginning again, this time, I'm going to make it. I promise myself. Hmm.. one problem which still remains is the problem of money.. how will I get enough money to start spending on you.. hmm, I think the best way is to start working, and using my money to invest in high-return investments(basically enter and run programs) and get many more returns back.. hmm, good idea.

Though I'm dead bent on letting my parents know now, so I can get their full backing. Although I've got some bad feeling the whole thing might not work out, it's worth the try. This is my last push. And I've told you, I'm not willing to regret over any things I've not done. I don't care whether you want me to tell my parents or not either because this is not about you. This is about me. I'm trying to get you to love me again, and I'll be open to you on this. I don't care on what you are thinking, I don't give a damn about what you feel, all I care is that I can make you feel the same about me, regardless whether you hate me or not, this is one final berserk push. One final try. One last chance.

Let me etch that into your mind, so that you don't have to ask me that again. I will not stop at anything, including life threatening situations, just to get you to love me once more. I hope that my position still remains as your boyfriend, hopefully.. but I don't think so. I don't think you'll be willing to do anything with me, I'll just have to treat this as a new courtship, although a very disappointing one, still it has to be done.

I know my interests and yours are off opposite ends. Everything of us is predicted never to end up right. What I am doing here, is against all odds. People may think that I am desperate, that I am a fool. But I am fighting and walking still because of my love for you.

So far, I've skipped 3 classes already. Because classes don't mean anything to me. Nothing will, I have to prioritise here. And the priority is you.


This just seems so sad until the extent that I have to deny the truth, and that I have to look back at all the mails that I've saved, at all the pictures I've taken, and try my hardest to remember your voice speaking all those words, and everytime I look at it, tears just fall down, no matter where I am. I cannot help it, that's the only thing I want to do now. That's the only thing worth doing now. I am not shy, nor I am afraid, because this is the only thing I have left, that brings me happiness, that truly puts my entire self at utmost happiness.

Studies? They don't mean anything to me, precisely one of the reasons why I fail to accept the reason that this happens now. Right before my most important two papers (Chemistry and Physics). Don't worry though, I am not myself, I've got myself pretty covered in all aspects of the syllabus so I don't need to worry about the exams for the moment.

What I have now, are memories. These memories bring me happiness, not the present state now. That is why I refuse to believe your words. I refuse to believe that you made the decision. I am so frustrated that you lied to me. I want to hurt you back, but I have to fight that feeling on my own, again causing another war of emotions inside of me. This soul will never rest for now, no, not for now.

Running away from all this may seem like a good idea. Although the mind and soul is so damaged that running away physically from it will not help. Now I understand suicide, it is to put the mind and soul, at rest. Away from all pain, to be in a place so peaceful and calm forever, not needing to feel any more pain. Though the need is the same, this path is of desperation, which also puts me pretty much in the same position. I've loved you too much till it means nothing without you.

I can feel that my soul is too weak to handle all these. I can feel that I need more strength. I've always gotten strength from your love, now I have to find my own strength. It is no longer about how you look or how you are physically / mentally. I am blind already, blind with love, and the only thing I want now is happiness. My future will be blind too, so might my eyes, but I have no fear for anything now. No fear at all. It has all been banished from me because of all the pain and desperation.

This letter will go on and on but I'm afraid I've already spent 105 minutes typing what I feel, and every message that I've portrayed to you will keep repeating in my head.


When you came into my life, you changed me, you showed me meaning of things great and small, you brought colour and life into it. You brought happiness to me, now though it may never seem true to me that we are not meant to be, I will forever love you, and I will try as hard as I can to teach you the things you have taught me, to bring wonders as what you have brought to me. I'm glad that I have sang the voices of my heart, because it will never rest, it will always stand up over and over again, because the meaning of life without you, is nothing. I am glad to be part of your life, to be part of an adventure so happy and nice, that eventhough I am no longer part of it, the memories of it, will still bring tears of joy every single day. I am no longer full, I am no longer strong, but the next phase of life, I have to be strong, this path I have to walk alone, and however much I want you to walk with me, I'll swear to God, that I will get you back the way you got me to love you so deeply.

Whenever I think of all this, I just feel like writing to you, so that you would know how I feel, I know, when you read all this, it means little to you without emotions, how I wish I could be back there now, and that you can be by my side, because for 6 months I have had no one, and I had to bear with that with strength and will, and now I have no one, and I have to try to get it back. What I just wish for now, is for you to say that you love me. That might just be a good wish for my birthday that's coming soon.. My thoughts have all been in prayer. I've been looking at countless websites from valentine messages right up to love help forums to get a glimpse of an idea of what I am supposed to do.

I have been through hell and back in just under 2 days. This is very very painful for me.
How I wish everything would turn right again. How I wish God will smile down upon me.


Until the next time,
Goodbye.

I love you.



Update: It dreads to say this, but I'm going after her again.. so.. you know~