It's February

One click, and a month whizzes past.
Two clicks, and soon comes Easter.


Three clicks, and another year gone.

What have I done?

HK is severely behind schedule. :(

Breaking

I've got a renewed interest in breaking. and popping!!

srsly, the prospects are too addictive.

So, now I've devised a plan for an intensive (for me lah) stretching and strength training routine everyday.

It's been 3 days nonstop that my muscles have been aching. You know, the type of sore that you get when u pull a muscle. Apart from that I've been practising on freezes, baby freeze done, chair freeze done!

that's the chair freeze by the way

alright alright, those weren't actually difficult to do.

But anyhoo it's something that I'm proud of achieving. With my academic life being pretty dull, and boring, I don't spend much time on it, instead I'm pouring myself all over society activities (joined a new society!), with the remainder going onto physical activities which I just picked up this semester.

I'm guessing the million dollar question here is, "Why are you doing this?"

Honestly, it's to make myself feel more confident about how i look. Breaking shapes confidence, and character. So hell, why don't I just try it instead of loofing around with lots of free time?

I'm also thinking of getting a driver's license here, and also the possibility of getting a term time job. I realise, being too idle is shit really. Like getting your ass handed to you.

Oops, in the process I let out my resolutions.

No, this year isn't a year for relationships like last year. I'm not feeling too upbeat 'bout that.
This year is for me. I'm sick of shit happening around me and I'm doing something about it now.

Randomity

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

This chorus is so stuck in my head now. I love it to bits!!
and to think that I've forgotten this song after so many years.

It's Ricky Martin & Meja by the way.

--
Haha!

Alright speaking of which, I just read today that Singapore is the first Asian country to drop into recession due to the crunch.

Dear Singaporeans, as your rough, dirty and terrorist backyard northern neighbours, I'll join the bandwagon of those who laugh at you, and say.. HAHA! Now who's in deep shit!

Seriously though, it's no wonder they're the first. GDP's nearly all into financials and imports, as a result of rapid globalisation without much to fall on behind. The next to get it will probably be Japan but that's so much more complicated than Singapore's case.

Malaysia? Thank god we had mahathirism. Slow, and steady. Hahaha but doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

..

Why can't I sleep now.
Gotta get stuff outta my head and stop thinking about it.

Purgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurge
purgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurge
purgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurgepurge

Forget. Forget. Forget.

Go away please emo thoughts. I don't want you.

Disconnecting

I've been trying to look for that one clump of feelings to fill up a void. Seems like I still haven't found it. yet.

This isn't good. Why on earth did it happen.

It shouldn't happen. Not after 2 years.

WUI WTF

And here's the next item on the news.

Avril's concert is cancelled WTF NIABET.


Not that I'm going but it's nice to have Avril come down to KL for a change instead of Alan Tam or Hacken Lee bullshit. Apparently we have approached a laima 奶妈 attitude similar to our southern brethrens, that our citizens have to be given tender love and care similar to babies, and that the concert being on the 29th of August is too close to the Merdeka festivities and Ramadan period, which spoils the Merdeka mood by corrupting young souls with pop and rock and whiteskin influences. Alan Tam is coming to Genting on Aug 22 and what he's singing is not pop? Don't bullshit me please.

As you can see, semua sebenarnya benci orang putih, little bit also protes sini protes sana. No need to give such a lousy reason hai mai?

Come on guys, she's probably one of the cleanest artists from the West.
Sigh.

For the conspiracy theorists.. maybe the ministry decided that they'd like to give Anwar the upper hand by frustrating many youngsters' hopes of seeing Avril, whom in return will direct their anger towards the federal government, hence creating a lot of emo votes for Anwar. For all you know Anwar brokered a deal with Shafie a couple nights before to cancel Avril's concert just to get votes.

Or maybe Shah Alam was the wrong place to hold a concert. Maklumlah, the place itself is devoid of entertainment outlets. Patutlah bangkang. Even Genting also don't want to be in Selangor land.

The bottom line is..
Don't give them Singaporeans, Thais, and bastard shoelicking Malaysians anymore reason to laugh at us! Guess where're they gonna go if Malaysia's not gonna let them perform? Boohoo poor little KL's gonna be left in the dust.

You don't give your neighbours the opportunity you dumb shits!

Frustrating.
Ok la end post. Another emo moment after Lee Chong Wei gets owned at the finals (emo MAX) and proceeds to Permatang Pauh, either through foolish choices or manipulation,(emo dikompaunkan x1000) to get his rm300k on a jet provided by the MoD.

Edit: It's on after all, at Stadium Merdeka. Woooooooooop!

Let Me Just Trace U Back

We go.. today to the start of the uh.. holiday season back in May.

Ui! Freaking fast my holiday 60% gone d..

I vaguely remember May, except for SS2 sunshine buns, Puchong dimsum, couple of futsal sessions, one K session and a couple rounds of mamak and watching My Wife Is A Gambling Maestro.

Cheung Ka-Fai might have lost a bit of his touch but he's still fai.

June was Euro month.


Ah plus Ben was back mid-June. Blur blur blur.. futsal, movie, and the big Perhentian blast. Then movie futsal futsal futsal futsal futsal futsal movie and Ben goes away.

And that was about 3 weeks ago.

Boohoooooo time flies..

I'm not mentioning the serious stuff that I did during the summer. Like uh.. going for AGMs, attending a launch, getting my first paycheck, learning about technical analysis, researching the local property market, studying the KLDP2020 ops.

Anyhoos, as the days flow nearer towards September, I have this dreadyish feeling that I always have before I leave somewhere. So I have to prepare myself mentally. Mmmm..

Never mind. I'll just stare at this emo poster of Stephy and Alex which I kinda like.
Why my posts so uncohesive one..sigh.

is not back.

I've been delaying my posts just because I don't really feel like blogging. But then these few days really seem monotonous, with school and everything, although it feels like a short time has just passed, it's really more than half of my holiday which blew past.

I have about 2 more months before I go back to Edin.. no.. that's pretty short. I realise I have to sides to myself, a malaysian side, and an overseas side. I've been struggling to keep these two sides in check, it's either one or the other and never both together.

So I'm here to say sorry, for neglecting this blog. And this time I'm really back, both sides baby.

Shaky Shoulders

There are times when humanity looks back at their decisions and wonder whether it was right in the first place. Am I repeating that mistake?

When I first felt the urge to be take on posts of power, there was an aura of determination and confidence all about. That was 5 months back in December. Now, as I write it, I am not writing it with the aforementioned aura. 5 months later, I am nervous.

To understand the situation, I'll have to let you know a bit about my past. Back then, I was a nobody. Ordinary student with academic results at the back of the first class. Never a prefect. Never a librarian. Not a good sportsman either. Substitute for football and basketball games. Only took part in the march past. No society positions. My greatest achievement? Being a committee member in a fund-raiser project in high school, scoring 7As in SPM and ABBac in A-levels.

Now after 19 years, I suddenly felt the need to step up in society. Secretary for the Buddhist Society. Great. Running for the post of Vice President in the Edinburgh Malaysian Students Association. What next? A union post?

Axxu, which happens to be a great person, once told me, it doesn't matter whether you lose or win this election, the difference is that you were bold enough to step up to the challenge. This piece of wisdom, is what keeps me going right now, when I feel like giving up.. like last time. I never ran for posts because I wasn't bold enough, I didn't sign up to be a prefect because I thought I couldn't handle the job. I never even tried.

I am trying now, and I sure as hell am not going to let my weakness show.

P.S: I call upon divine assistance for tomorrow's EMSA AGM, and Monday's Economics exam which I still have 14 chapters to cram. *crosses fingers*

Running Out Of Titles

The most obvious question now probably is why am I blogging instead of mugging books. Well there's.. no answer to it. I'm having this sort of accomplished feeling after finishing one of my essays, It's like being high after a night of success at the battlefield or something omg my examples are rubbish. Besides, the deadline's 9 days away, and .. I've written.. nothing. But it's still a long way.

Anyway, trivial stuff away.. Ben said this in a chat earlier on.

ben says (6:38 PM):
ur blog doesnt speak on how u spent ur vday
ben says (6:38 PM):
what a fucking loser
HK : teehk.blogspot.com says (6:38 PM):
hahaha
HK : teehk.blogspot.com says (6:38 PM):
i never even celebrated it
HK : teehk.blogspot.com says (6:38 PM):
hence the word boycott
HK : teehk.blogspot.com says (6:39 PM):
and completely ignorance of that day
ben says (6:40 PM):
oh
ben says (6:40 PM):
i want to but cannot celebrate
ben says (6:40 PM):
what a loser

This year I had a strict .. what do you call it .. dogma to follow. I was going to boycott Valentine's Day. It was a success! .. sort of. Nevertheless the day started out with friends wishing me Happy Valentine's Day, but I told them I was boycotting it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened that day either. I had a thousand words to write so my eyes glued to the screen looking at e-journals. Made no mention of it either.. until now.

Valentine's is .. a whole load of false hype. I mean, there's no reason to celebrate it when it's all commercialised and expensive right? Restaurants have special menus intricately designed to steal your spare change, the whole world's suddenly filled with slow, sexy music, flowers start becoming so much more expensive, couples start becoming super affectionate towards each other, even friends wish love to each other.

The point is, why not everyday be Valentine's Day instead of a special day where everyone suddenly becomes a deity of love and sex. Is love sent and received on that day meant to be special? Is the Valentine's Night sex super intense just because it's Valentine's Night? Is a rose sent on VDay not any different from a rose sent on the day after?

It's only when you are single, that you realise how much emotions screw you over. People become irrational (don't speak of the word in front of me I'll go crazy) when in love. People can do crazy things no single bachelor/ette will do in love.

Sigh.

On that day itself, it's also a strong reflection on myself when everyone else is celebrating love. Why la am I still single at 19 years old. But at least I'm still 19 not 29 or 39 =P. Few girls have caught my attention since a big breakup about 2 years ago. The few that have, I've either not dared to approach them, or stand aside and watch as I drift away from them.. somehow.

I've done a lot of self-reflection since the breakup and have constantly questioned my actions before doing it so I don't screw up. It's been somewhat of a help, and I've matured became more boring considerably fast in 2 years. In the case of attraction, I've accustomed myself to being single and lusting after ladies. Besides, certain remnants from the previous relationship is still there, when I have already steamrolled the whole thing about a year ago. Add some other reasons in, and you get a very reluctant and slightly nervous to be attached person. Me.

Ahh, shouldn't be emo-ing now. *stops* Because I am going back to Concord College this weekend! Yays. Glasgow here I come on Thursday and Shrewsbury the day after! =D I can't wait to catch up with other buddies. The Scots are gonna rock CC, all 8 of us.. Shaun, Jun, Steph, Mich, Lindsey, SueAnne and YanMei! .. except Adrian who doesnt want to go =( boo.

N/A

Work has been bogged down by me I've been bogged down by work since the end of January. And February isn't helping either because of the deadlines, so is March, not April either because of exams. I want May now!!

Here's the to-do list!

• 1000-word Loss Aversion essay // due 28 Feb.
• 2000-word Finance essay // due 28 Feb.
• Amsterdam Amsterdam Amsterdam // due in advance of Easter Holidays.
• Busybody society commitments // due these couple of weeks.
• Accountancy Notes // due every week.
• 2nd-year Accommodation // due before summer holidays.

Notice that I've pushed forward the two essays which spells P.A.N.I.C.

But it's a considerable achievement that I'm already starting on my essays 2.5 weeks from my deadline! Last time.. SPM Biology exam tomorrow pun tak study. Anyway, lesson learnt over and over again.. I'll start a month ahead next time. Hehe.

I Refuse

namewee has a new single out. Check it out here.
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Sometimes we are faced with situations which make us think back, and ask ourselves some simple questions. Was I wrong?

I've had it with all these thoughts. I refuse to be dictated by other people's thoughts of me. I refuse to be made to think I made a wrong choice. I refuse to question my own decisions. I refuse to be a pawn on a chessboard. No matter what, I'm now doing what I've chosen to do, although it might be second best. But I'll prove everyone wrong in the future. I'll make those who looked down on me retract back all they said. I'll be my own self. I don't have to follow the pack. I'm pissed.

Self Individuality

I was told that this year there are a heck-lot more 1st year Malaysians staying at Pollocks and that area south compared to places near my flat (north of George Square). Last two years there were a plentiful amount staying in the latter areas. Sigh, poor people like us are isolated, and end up hanging out with the 2nd-3rd year Malaysians who are staying nearby and the Brits.

It's not that it's bad, but then again hanging out with the Brits has it's own merits, like learning to be a heck lot more open and socialable, learning the cultural differences, being able to speak with an accent a lot more quicker (I've got a moderate English and very slight North-eastern accent when I speak now) which is quite cool, but it's influencing my other styles of talking nowadays.

Even my Manglish has a lot less lahs in it already, my Cantonese which has picked up a lot during the summer holidays, has begun to lose some of it's pronounciation too. I guess I'm getting more comfortable talking with an accent instead of last time when it took some effort to speak it out fluently.

I used to think whether would it be better if I stayed in the halls of residences. Would I make more friends? I'd wouldn't have to worry about cooking, wouldn't have to worry about not being excluded from big fun gatherings.. and all the sort.

But then I realise, living in a flat, somehow demonstrates living in a real world, at a time when everything is still raw in the eyes of the unexperienced fresher. I get to dictate my own time at my own pace, get to learn the skills essential of surviving for a day (the dreaded idea of what to eat and how to get it), and get to know the little things that didn't used to be important.

It's the biggest leap I've taken in life so far, and I'm beginning to understand more.. about life and myself. Best thing of all, I love it, I love the idea of being independent, of being an individual, of finding my own way. I simply adore it, the uncanny thought of music-and-religion-infused pathfinding. However random it may sound.

Damage Assessment

Screw what I've said earlier of not posting. Feel like getting things out of my head, so I'm writing them down.
-----
I've been dreaming the same sort of dreams every night, it's something that I can't quite get the hang of. For the last year or so, I've remembered less dreams, and had less troubled nights than the past week combined. But the thing about the dreams is, it's the same people. It's the same everyday thing dreamt. So, end result is I wake up usually in some level of shock being unable to comprehend what is going on.

I've not experienced dreams in a long time, usually just deep empty sleep, and waking up feeling refreshed. Nowadays, I can't even sleep easily. I kept the tradition of listening to podcasts since CC, and well, usually I'll be dozing off before my computer shuts down. Now, I'm wide awake and turning about restlessly long after it turns off by itself.

This incidents, I can't explain what's causing them, but they're probably either cause or effect of recent unrest going on in my mind. The weird thing about these dreams are that they are indifferentiable with reality. Well, put it simply, I can't tell whether they are dreams or memory recalls.

Plus, I can't say that these unrests are similar to the pre/post-breakup depression. They're not lovesick emo-times as well. No, they are no longer superficial. I can't even understand the basis of this.

Spent the entire morning looking up wikipedia on common symptoms. This is going to be funny. I have symptoms which make up part of the following disorders (recently).
Non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Anhedonia (just wanted to add this for fun)
and the most accurate one
Atypical depression

The DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines Atypical Depression as a subtype of depression or dysthymia, characterized by Atypical Features:

A. Mood reactivity (i.e., mood brightens in response to actual or potential positive events)
B. At least two of the following:

1. Significant weight gain or increase in appetite ("comfort eating")[3]
2. Hypersomnia (sleeping too much, as opposed to the insomnia present in melancholic depression)
3. Leaden paralysis (i.e., heavy, leaden feelings in arms or legs)
4. Long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment (not long-standing.. probably 3 days or so)

C. Criteria are not met for Melancholic Depression or Catatonic Depression during the same episode.

By the ICD-10 classification, it will fall in the category of F32 or F39.

I'm probably going too far, to be honest, for 1 or 2 hours only I'm feeling like that, for the rest of the time I'm still an idiot full of sh*t.

Well, put it this way, did any of u guys notice a change in tone from the start to the end of this post?
I started at 11.21, end .. well.. at halfpast 3.
Shows how 'moodswingy' i've been =P

Anyway, I must have scared some people off by saying I'm depressed. Hahahaha, that's just assuming the worst. I'm not depressed just having a lot of things on my mind, that I can only have access to at certain times of the day, which is so weird. Like I can't think of what's bothering me now, but I know it 5 hours ago.

The mind is a powerful tool. Don't mess around with it. But it's messing around with me now. <--dammit! But, music helps, and noobshuffling (because I'm a newbie) too, so does having an aim. Screw it I'm just going to focus on my 2000word essay due on the 22nd and stop fretting about other stuff that I've lost control over. But I still find my dreams.. incomprehensible and freaky.

P.S: As much as I find Mika's voice annoying, his songs are actually quite addictive. No, not THAT addictive.

P.P.S: Gahhh, I'll probably miss out Charis's birthday at JimmyChung at 6 and the HKIS Guy Fawke's fireworks celebration tonight for a project meeting. Why lah must all good things happen, when I'm busy?! When I'm dead bored, nothing happens.

Tooooot

Just wanna say, that I won't be posting anything for the next few days. Real busy with my project but turns out I've wasted half a day because of the stupid things I've done, should have just gone out to watch a movie but nooooooo, have to do work, which I then forgot to save.. then redo.. then wrong data.. then redo again. Sigh, I sense myself becoming emo already. .. emotional.. sigh.

Note: Why is it so hard, to not get attracted to someone! I don't want to! Hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate =(